Remembering James A. McCloud and Mary Lou Wayman

This Memorial Day our family is remembering Jason's Grandmother, Mary Lou Wayman and my Grandfather, James Allen McCloud. Two wonderful people who were a part of our lives until taken from us to enjoy eternal life!

From the first day that I was introduced to Mary Lou, she was a warm and sassy being. She welcomed me into the family and shared numerous experiences and stories from when she was growing up. I also heard many stories about Jason growing up. She lived in a little town in Northeast Missouri called Princeton. We would attend the Calamity Jane Days each year - Jason's dad entering rebuilt tractors and dunebuggies he built into the parade. He won second place for his dunebuggy!

Jason and his parents ventured to Ravanna, just outside of Princeton on Memorial Day weekend for his father's class reunion. I was unable to go do to my wonderful work schedule! However, Jason took some pictures and had many stories to tell. The reunion was held in a little building in the center of Ravanna that was the meeting place for the Smith Christmas festivities each year! Although I was not part of the family for too long before she passed, I, myself have many memories of her and the times that all of us spent together. A great family bond - which is always important to me in my life!

James A. McCloud was known for his sense of humor, whistling and strong opinions. I was close with my grandpa and to this day enjoy a cold glass of milk with ice and my avocado sandwiches, all favorites of my grandpas. I was constantly referred to as a 'silly milly pizz willy' and would enjoy the appearance of "santa clause" at our christmas gatherings each year!

Even in his final weeks, he was strong willed and wanted to make sure that everything was okay within the family dynamics. He is so strong willed that I'm sure that he had to be told that it was okay for him to go at the end. Before he passed, he waited on each of his children to be at the bedside, which was still in the house they had grew up in. I miss my grandpa dearly, but still talk to him often. Whenever I have a hard day, I look up to the sky and ask for grace and strength.

These two people have become and will always be a great part of my life. One I have known my whole life, the other only a few years. But each had such a loving warmth and strong sense of the importance of family. We will remember both of these loving people forever and have memories to pass on to our children someday!

Baby Audrey has entered the world!

I am so happy to announce that Pat and Julie had baby Ortiz on May 20th at 12:10am. She was 7lbs 12oz. After many long months of trying to find the perfect name, they have decided on Audrey Renee. She looks just like dad - a full head of hair and a beautiful olive skin tone! She is a little cuddle bug and makes the cutest little faces! Mom is doing well and looks great. Here are some pics of Jason and I with lil' sweet pea!

PS. Look how cute Jason looks cuddling with her!!! I LOVE IT!

Hard decision to be made ....

Another trip to the doctor and another checkup checked off - hopefully the last regarding the miscarriage. Everything checked out to be fine with my levels back to normal. Good news for us. My OB/GYN states that he would like for us to use protection and not try for another pregnancy for 3 months. Seems like a short period of time - however, in my book, that is 1/4 of a year. We have been trying for a year and now he is wanting us to wait for longer? I understand the idea of having my body recover, but all literature says you can start trying after your first cycle.

And here is where the decision comes .... My fertility specialist is saying we can start trying as soon as I have my first visit from the "girly fairy." After discussion, Jason and I are going to go with the plan of the fertility specialist - as long as there are no risks to another miscarriage, no risks to carrying a healthy baby and no risks to my health directly. I was assured that there are no risks to having a healthy baby or my health. There are risks to having another miscarriage, but only because the risk of miscarriage increases with each miscarriage you have. This is for any women in this situation.

We will be starting Clomid and Progesterone as soon as the "girly fairy" arrives. Since we know I am able to get pregnant, we are going to hold on doing Artificial Insemination and see if the medication will work alone. After doing research, it is very common for women to get pregnant the cyle or two after having a miscarriage - due to the hormones circulating in your body! So keep your fingers, toes, eyes and whatever else crossed for us. We are hoping for the best!

A weekend with mah girlies!

This past weekend was spent at Tan Tar-A with some girlies from work (and some other girls). A trip to the lake to celebrate Amanda being single for 3 more weeks! We had a blast - out to dinner, to the Topsider for a little dancing/drinking and back to the condo for a dip in the hot tub. We hit up the outlets and away I went! It was a great time - which was much needed at this point. I enjoyed spending time with my work buds outside of work - more opportunity to enjoy each other outside of work and an opportunity to learn quirky things about each person! I love the girls that I work with and enjoyed the breath of fresh air! However, I was home sick within hours and missed my hubby and "children" - Scootie and D-gurl. Looking forward to a night at the K next week - tailgating and throwing back some drinks!!! Congrats Amanda!!!!

The new home project

Since it is Spring (finally), we decided to do some landscaping for some curb appeal. We took out the wood and cheap landscaping plastic and replaced it with a stone wall - which is now extended to the side of the house. Added some red mulch, hanging plants and a ton of grass seed and we are in business! We have more to do to the front, but this is a good start! Here are some pics for you to enjoy!

My Daily Prayer

I had seen this prayer before even having a miscarriage - so I found it a couple weeks ago and I would like to share it. I know there are some people who read this blog who are experiencing the same feelings and emotions as I am. I am willing to do all that I can to help others through this horrible process- while allowing myself to grieve and heal.

Girls, we will get thru it - I just know it. We are allowed to have our days, but remember my new motto, "take each day at a time." If today is a bad day, tomorrow is a new day to start. Having some positive feelings and being surrounded and supported by such wonderful people is more helpful that I could ever put into words. So here .... this is for you ladies! I will pray this prayer for you, as well as myself each night! Smile!


Dear Lord,
The pain of infertility is so deep.
All of our lives, we dream of being mothers, of raising children with loving hearts to do your will on this earth.
Month after month when that dream does not come true, it so painful, Lord.
We feel like our dreams die each month with empty arms.
Please guide us to trust in your plan for us.
We desperately need you in our lives.
Thank you for all the blessings we do have, knowing through you all things are possible.
Amen.

A little thought to consider ...

A co-worker of mine had this posted on her blog - so I stole it! :) Although not exact same circumstances, we are both experiencing the feelings of empty arms! She has entered my life and has become a very important person to me. I believe that God brought us together for a reason, as cheesy as it may sound. I think having someone to talk to and relate to makes things a little more bearable and allows us to help each other thru the hard times. This poem says everything that I am thinking ... sit back, relax and ponder this!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend
and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I WILL PREVAIL. I WILL SUCCEED. I WILL WIN.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Haven't posted in awhile....

I just woke up after trying to sleep the day away before heading back to work for day 3 out of 3. I am looking forward to the rest of my weekend - heading to the Royals game with my hubby tomorrow and out of town to Tan Tara for a weekend with the girls from work! Today I am in a good mood with the sun shining and the warm weather outside.

I got some news from a friend that she had a miscarriage. She was 2 weeks farther along than I was - both due around Christmas. I am not sure of the details, I am not ready to experience the specifie news of another bad outcome. I am trying to heal myself; not trying to be a bad friend but I just cannot go thru all of those emotions again.

I have not been sleeping well - more restless sleep than good sleep. I have dreams throughout the night pertaining to our recent situation. I am contemplating seeing a doctor to get on some medication to help me relax and clear my head. Things are great when I am busy and around people, but when I am alone it is extremely hard. I have been staying to myself and spending all of my time off at Jason's side. We have become closer and feel like this has made our marriage stronger - even when I thought that was impossible.

I am hesitant, yet excited about this weekend with the girls. I hate leaving Jason when I hardly get to see him at all. But I think I need to get out and let go. I will be with a great group of girls who will make sure we all have a great time! I will have to post some pictures! I am trying to learn this programs still and would like to eventually add pics and more interesting posts. It is hard to post sometimes because I have a pretty boring life - with some exceptions!!!! :)

Today is Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies out there! I am a little sad today, but things are getting "easier" slowly. I am getting back into the normal everyday life swing-of-things again. I am finding myself staying more to myself and stuck in my house - but I am finding peace and slowly healing. I found this poem the other day that really touched me in so many ways. I thought I would share - I am going to put it next to my bed. Happy Mothers Day!



I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied, with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, with other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom, who has so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, they'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.

-Author Unknown

Having a rough day today!

Today I woke up in a good mood and then it hit me! I am having a hard time staying at home by myself - of course, giving me more time to think. I spent the day with my mom, which is always a great feeling. But I had to make a trip to my grandparents house to relay the bad news. My grandmother asks, "so how are you feeling? are you having morning sickness still?" as soon as I enter the door. And my uncle, who was over mowing the lawn, approaches me and tells me "congratulations" with a hug and then touches my belly.

I know that it was all inevitable and was a planned occurance according to God's plan. But I have a hard time understanding why God could do something so cruel to someone? I keep having this overwhelming feelings of guilt as if I did something to deserve this. I am feeling inadequate and feel like I let people in my life down. I am constantly picturing my friends and families faces or hearing the tone at the other end of the phone - feeling the akwardness and sadness of the situation.

I know that I jumped the gun in telling everyone I was pregnant; however, I was just soooo excited to finally be at that point that I just couldn't keep it inside. I felt that I worked really hard to get to that point only for it to be taken away from me. I feel like the last 2 weeks are just a bad dream that I cannot escape. How is it that in 2 weeks you can find out your pregnant and feel on top of the world and sink into deep sadness while finding out that that little being has been taken from you? I know that it is hard to understand, but I feel like I was pregnant for much longer than I was. And I feel like the last 2 weeks have been months long.

I'm sure I will get out of this funk, tomorrow is a new day! I return to work either Wed or Thurs so I am sure that being out of the house and among good friends again will make it seem better! I just feel like every day is a different mood and I am a ticking time bomb that can either go off with good feelings and optimistic thoughts, or go off with bad feelings and feeling like my world is crashing down!

A new day ...

The last couple of days have probably been the hardest days of my life; however, Jason and I are still standing and are alive! We have kept ourselves busy this weekend and have enjoyed some much needed alone time. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband by my side in such a difficult time. It is easy for me, as a woman, to believe that the horrible news we received would be much easier for a man to take. They are not experiencing the body changes, hormone rushes and emotional outbreaks that we as women are. But I was proven wrong, Jason was grieving as much as I was.

The positives out of this experience are hard to grasp, but there are some to be mentioned.

- I am positive that I have wonderful family and friends that surround Jason and I. Everyone was thoughtful and offering anything that they could.

- I am able to get pregnant. After trying for nearly a year with no "scares," I was beginning to wonder if the issue was bigger than predicted. However, we are now assured that I am at least able to get pregnant.

- I learned that I have a husband to stand by my side and support me throughout anything that may come our way. He has been nothing less than excellent and I have enjoyed spending all of this quality time together. We agree that this loss has brought us even more close together and strengthened our marriage.

My friends son helped me realize that I have to face my fears and discuss the issue. Kids say the most inappropriate things at the worst times, but this discussion happened for a reason. Jason and I had went to some friends house for dinner and he says "you don't have a baby in your tummy any more?" I sat there in shock and mustered up enough energy to say, "no, not any more." He then says "where did the baby go?" And I replied, "to heaven." At this moment, I was able to accept my miscarriage and realized that my baby was, in fact, in heaven where he or she should be.

This has been a life changing experience and I wish that it had not happened to us, but it did. I cannot change what has happened, nor can I spend the rest of my life upset and depressed. Nights are really hard for me right now, however, I know that with time it will all get easier. I will not ever forget this experience and having the pregnancy test read positive, telling our parents and friends for the first time, getting excited because I was actually going to be a mommy, having my mother refer to herself as 'grandma' or feeling that I had a human being living inside of me. None of that will ever be erased from my mind and we will ALWAYS remember this baby and the experience that we have shared!

It is important to us to remember this time in our lives and view our baby as a baby Smith. We are positive that a positive pregnancy test will happen again, we are now just waiting to recover from this loss and move forward with our lives - without forgetting!

Sad news

First off, thank you to everyone for all of you prayers, thoughts and support. I am sorry to say that Jason and I had a miscarriage. It was confirmed today with the blood results - both my HCG and pregesterone levels far to low. We are completely crushed and are looking for a little optimism in this awful time.

My positive thought is that I was able to be a mommy for a least a week, which some women can never say. My doctor says to think positive because we now know that I am able to get pregnant. All of the other statements are cliche - God will give us only what we can handle, something was wrong with the baby which is why this happened, we will become stronger people, or it will happen for us again. I am sure that each of these statements are true to a point; however, I am having a hard time thinking any of these thoughts.

I am sad, mad, frustrated, crushed, devistated, guilty and emtpy right now! I am trying to comprehend how I am going to be able to be excited the next time that I am pregnant - feeling that I will be more afraid than excited! A friend at work told me that this was the hardest experience that she has ever had to live through, and right now, I have to say that she is completely correct. I am just trying to keep myself together for Jason and our families! They are trying to be so strong for us, when I know deep down it hurts for them just as much as us.

Please, once again, keep us and our families in your prayers through this difficult time. I am sure that some day we will be parents - but only one person knows when that time will be!