Having a rough day today!

Today I woke up in a good mood and then it hit me! I am having a hard time staying at home by myself - of course, giving me more time to think. I spent the day with my mom, which is always a great feeling. But I had to make a trip to my grandparents house to relay the bad news. My grandmother asks, "so how are you feeling? are you having morning sickness still?" as soon as I enter the door. And my uncle, who was over mowing the lawn, approaches me and tells me "congratulations" with a hug and then touches my belly.

I know that it was all inevitable and was a planned occurance according to God's plan. But I have a hard time understanding why God could do something so cruel to someone? I keep having this overwhelming feelings of guilt as if I did something to deserve this. I am feeling inadequate and feel like I let people in my life down. I am constantly picturing my friends and families faces or hearing the tone at the other end of the phone - feeling the akwardness and sadness of the situation.

I know that I jumped the gun in telling everyone I was pregnant; however, I was just soooo excited to finally be at that point that I just couldn't keep it inside. I felt that I worked really hard to get to that point only for it to be taken away from me. I feel like the last 2 weeks are just a bad dream that I cannot escape. How is it that in 2 weeks you can find out your pregnant and feel on top of the world and sink into deep sadness while finding out that that little being has been taken from you? I know that it is hard to understand, but I feel like I was pregnant for much longer than I was. And I feel like the last 2 weeks have been months long.

I'm sure I will get out of this funk, tomorrow is a new day! I return to work either Wed or Thurs so I am sure that being out of the house and among good friends again will make it seem better! I just feel like every day is a different mood and I am a ticking time bomb that can either go off with good feelings and optimistic thoughts, or go off with bad feelings and feeling like my world is crashing down!