A new day ...

The last couple of days have probably been the hardest days of my life; however, Jason and I are still standing and are alive! We have kept ourselves busy this weekend and have enjoyed some much needed alone time. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband by my side in such a difficult time. It is easy for me, as a woman, to believe that the horrible news we received would be much easier for a man to take. They are not experiencing the body changes, hormone rushes and emotional outbreaks that we as women are. But I was proven wrong, Jason was grieving as much as I was.

The positives out of this experience are hard to grasp, but there are some to be mentioned.

- I am positive that I have wonderful family and friends that surround Jason and I. Everyone was thoughtful and offering anything that they could.

- I am able to get pregnant. After trying for nearly a year with no "scares," I was beginning to wonder if the issue was bigger than predicted. However, we are now assured that I am at least able to get pregnant.

- I learned that I have a husband to stand by my side and support me throughout anything that may come our way. He has been nothing less than excellent and I have enjoyed spending all of this quality time together. We agree that this loss has brought us even more close together and strengthened our marriage.

My friends son helped me realize that I have to face my fears and discuss the issue. Kids say the most inappropriate things at the worst times, but this discussion happened for a reason. Jason and I had went to some friends house for dinner and he says "you don't have a baby in your tummy any more?" I sat there in shock and mustered up enough energy to say, "no, not any more." He then says "where did the baby go?" And I replied, "to heaven." At this moment, I was able to accept my miscarriage and realized that my baby was, in fact, in heaven where he or she should be.

This has been a life changing experience and I wish that it had not happened to us, but it did. I cannot change what has happened, nor can I spend the rest of my life upset and depressed. Nights are really hard for me right now, however, I know that with time it will all get easier. I will not ever forget this experience and having the pregnancy test read positive, telling our parents and friends for the first time, getting excited because I was actually going to be a mommy, having my mother refer to herself as 'grandma' or feeling that I had a human being living inside of me. None of that will ever be erased from my mind and we will ALWAYS remember this baby and the experience that we have shared!

It is important to us to remember this time in our lives and view our baby as a baby Smith. We are positive that a positive pregnancy test will happen again, we are now just waiting to recover from this loss and move forward with our lives - without forgetting!