Unpredictable Motherhood

After having a break on Saturday night - we are back in full swing! Motherhood is not quite what I had expected. Evan constantly has gas, an upset stomach, and the hiccups. How can a child possibly be a happy baby with all of this? Which is why he is constantly crying and is a colicky baby! I keep reminding myself that he does not feel good, but the crying gets to be extremely overwhelming. Jason and I take turns handing him off because you can only take so much!

Our first month has went by so fast, most of it being a little blurry. As new parents, you know that you are going to get much less sleep, have moments of panic, and not always know what to do. However, no one could have prepared me for what we continue to go through on a daily basis. I feel like a horrible mother because I cannot help Evan feel better. We try Mylicon gas drops, heating packs, positioning him in any way comfortable to him, walking the house, switching formula, massaging him, and trying ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make this child happy. You can never put him down and let him 'play' because all he does is cry - instantly! He doesn't like the pacifier - which makes it very difficult to please him. He is eating every 2 to 2 1/2 hours - therefore, I get him to back to sleep long enough to sleep for maybe an hour. And the second he wakes up, he is screaming full force - ready to eat. He has no patience ... just like his father! :)

It is very hard for me during the week to be home alone. When the eend of the weekend comes, I am sad to see Jason go back to work, knowing I am going to be all alone to deal with Evan for the next 5 days! Unfortunately, I am almost looking forward to going back to work to get some peace. However, I am a little scared knowing that someone else is going to be watching Evan and putting up with all this madness! We have one more month to get things worked out and hopefully on a schedule of some kind.

I feel that I am quite possibly in the beginnings of postpartum depression. I have been having crying spells while Evan is screaming - sometimes just when thinking about the things we have been through in the last month. It has been really hard for me to accept the fact that I am not able to breastfeed, however, I know there is nothing that I could have done differently. My health was the number one issue at that time and Evan wasn't getting enough food while on the breast. I am having a hard time adjusting to being a new mother because I am hardly ever able to just lay and snuggle with my new son. I do not feel the bond with him that I think a mother should feel. I have read about parents going through the same things and they make the same comments. I am frustrated a majority of the time, which makes it hard to bond with him. But I know that in due time, things will settle down and hopefully we will find a good medium. Everyone keeps telling me that colic goes away at about 4 months and to hang in there. My response to that is .... four months? I have only been home for a little over two weeks and I am about to go insane!

My plan is to take one day at a time. Things that don't get done are going to have to wait because Evan is not going to let me get them done! :) This whole experirence is not what I had expected, even from the very beginning. I feel that we have had some unfortunate events happen, making it all harder to adjust to. We didn't really get off to a good start - but we are hoping that things will get better with time. Otherwise, mommy and daddy are going to go insane!!!